my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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