And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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