For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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