I puked a lego.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
