i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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