Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
