Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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