I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
