six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
