Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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