I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
