Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
