Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
