Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
