I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
