This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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