Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
