Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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