I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
