I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
