Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
