God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
