hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
