my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Text me some of your sweat
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
