I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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