Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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