he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
