Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
