I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
