yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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