Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
