Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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