I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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