Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
BRING THE BAGELS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
