Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
