Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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