Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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