Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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