Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
