did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
