my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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