Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
