Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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