Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
