you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
