is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
