he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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