Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
