explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
