So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
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Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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