I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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