i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
