She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
