Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
