she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
