God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
