I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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