Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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